What If This Is the Happiest I'll Ever Be and I Miss It?
What if the best time of my life is right this second?
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I'LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it's right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick?
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that's just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they're talking that I don't have the heart to correct because I love it too much.
I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture below, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms when he’s running a fever.
Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I'll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH.
Because time is our enemy no matter what.
No matter how hard I try to capture memories, and memorize their wrinkled smiling faces with bed head after a mid-afternoon nap, it will never feel like enough. Ever.
So, I'm not going to worry myself that it's not enough right now.
I’m not going to make myself crazy wondering if I’m living the happiest part right now.
Instead, I'll just try. I'll hug when they come in the door. Look them in the eyes when they talk. Step away from the phone, or the computer, or whatever it is that distracts me and I'll be there. Not every second, but as much as I humanly can without losing my mind.
I’ll pay attention when the teenager decides it’s time to talk at 10pm and I’m bone tired.
I’ll say yes to playing more games.
I'll baby the baby a little too long and too much.
I will do MY best. Not the best of the mother around the corner, but MINE.
I will try so hard that at the end, I will KNOW I tried. And that it was enough. It will have to be enough. Because every mom realizes at some point it's slipping away.
My oldest just got accepted to colleges. I’m not OK with this information. My motherhood journey is far from over, but, I’m starting to see it slip through my fingers.
They come to me for things, and we have heart to hearts, and our love is growing in new ways as they become big kids. They’re learning to drive and navigate hard relationships, and applying to move away from me forever.
I mean, they’re applying to college, but also - whatever. It’s the same thing.
We cannot slow time down, and that’s a cruel thing that makes us wonder if this is as good as it gets.
We’re going to lose it to college applications or girlfriends or whatever else catches their eyes.
Even the mom that stares at her child 24/7 with a heart full of gratitude and never complains, can't do anything to slow time down. She can just try her best, and I'll try mine.
I’ll probably always worry a little that I'm not enjoying every second. But, I’ve tried to stop doing that to myself because it does nothing for me except filling my already heavy heart with even more guilt. Because my heavy heart realizes that it's slipping away before my eyes.
I know this. Every mother knows it.
So, worrying will break your heart. And your heart needs to be strong to be a mother.
Don't worry about not enjoying enough.
You are. I promise. Just worry about doing your best.
And your best is different than someone else's and that's 100% OK.
I refuse to dwell on this feeling that this could be the high point. Because it's not. This is just the beginning.
There are beautiful moments along every step of the way. The little years of toddlers and messes and diapers are not the only years.
Yes they are precious, but I want my kids to believe they're precious as teenagers, and young adults, and adults. I want it all to be precious.
So, I'm not going to get hung up on the fact that some people want to point out that it goes by so fast and I better be enjoying it.
No.
Instead, I'm finding the beauty in this second, right now. And, I will have hope instead of guilt. Hope that tomorrow, my life as a mother will be just as beautiful no matter if my kids are here or calling me from far away.
Because it will.
Don’t forget to grab my book, The Mother Load if you like conversations like these about motherhood, the mental load, and mental health.
And good news - I’ve lowered my paid subscription price to $6/month or an even better savings of $36/year! ($4/month if you’re not good at math).
This will give you access to all my archived posts, plus weekly short posts about how to balance motherhood and manage your mental health just for my paid subscribers. I’m learning a lot while in grad school to become a therapist, and I love passing these little tidbits on to you.
I don’t know how you nana he to capture my feelings to a tee. This. These are thoughts in my head constantly. They are growing up so fast and when I can I will literally look at them close my eyes and try to memorize how they look or memorize the “little” voice before it’s gone. I’m trying to hard to soak it all in but it’s not helping. It’s still going just as fast. Time is still a jerk. I just want it to be like this forever, 12, 10 and 6 but I said that when my oldest was 4 and somehow she is 12. I still somehow manage to get so sad about it. Almost daily. But I suppose all we can do is our best and convince ourselves it will be beautiful at every stage. Thank you.
'So, worrying will break your heart. And your heart needs to be strong to be a mother.'
Wow. Spot on. And all of it. Thank You.
I am in between careers, healing from health issues. My mom passed recently. Trying to give my twin twelve year olds the attention and care I usually do. What a great reminder to worry more about doing my best, and, as I say, 'eyes on my own paper'. 💕