When Anxiety Makes You A Rage Monster

You feel like you want to disappear.

When I'm having a hard time with my anxiety, I tend to go quiet. But, that doesn't really serve anyone so I’m speaking up.

Anxiety sucks. I'm on meds, I have gone to therapy and yet I still can't always control it.

Some days I wake up and I just felt angry.

Anxiety makes me a rage monster and I loathe that part of me.

Sometimes I go days where I’m mad, and angry. My anxiety peaks and I lash out at everyone. I hate it, yet I sometimes can't control it. I hate that part of me. I even hate how the sound of my own children playing in the other room can make me feel like I'm going to lose it.

I hate how I want to be alone. I don’t want anyone touching me or talking to me, or beaing near me.

Yes, I feel anger, but I feel so much more when I have these episodes.

I feel depressed that my anxiety is back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I'm sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I'm literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I'm not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear.

One particularly bad day, I broke down. I fought with my husband. I slammed things, and finally collapsed in his arms into big heavy sobs. I cried it out like I tend to do, and somehow, woke up and the weight, the burden of anxiety, was just a little lighter.

Yet, I feel guilt that he has to deal with it. He has to deal with me.

It's not pretty to admit that you have anger issues.

It feels like something that you should never talk about because it's so shameful. What mother feels angry when her kid is playing happily in the next room? What kind of mother gets annoyed at the tiniest little thing and yells?

This mom does. And, it's not something I'm proud of. In fact, sometimes I'm tempted to feel so ashamed by it that I want to disappear. I have had thoughts that my family would be better off without me many many times.

We are so much more as women and mothers than our anxiety and the pain that we have to go through when dealing with mental illness. I have to cling to that and remind myself on the hard days when my eyes are puffy and I have to apologize (again) for how I acted.

I don't know what the answer is, but I know that I don't like feeling alone. I don't like the sad, scary thoughts that creep in, and I know there is someone out there that is maybe crumbling, or barely holding their head above water.

Talking about this shameful thing of rage and anger helps me feel less alone, and I hope it helps you know that you aren't alone either. We'll get through the bad days because that's what we have to do.

We have to fight. Because we are so much more than our anxiety. It does not define us. As much as it tries to. We are infinitely MORE than what is crippling us right now. Remember that, my friends. And, know I'm fighting too.

Don’t forget to grab my book, The Mother Load if you like conversations like these about motherhood, the mental load, and mental health.