Why Encouraging a Growth Mindset Might Actually Be Gaslighting.
And how to avoid gaslighting yourself and your kids.
In theory, I love the idea of a growth mindset. I’m sure you’ve seen the posts that point out how you can help your kids have a growth mindset by helping them through their most frustrating moments in life with encouraging growth mindset techniques.
Ya know - turning mistakes into wins? Failures into opportunities to grow?
The idea of a growth mindset started with a psychologist named Carol Dweck. She believed that with dedication, hard work and encouragement, we can accomplish our goals. Sounds simple enough right? The opposite school of thought is a fixed mindset. It might look like the thinking that we cannot change the innate abilities we were born with. We’re either talented or not. Gifted or not. Half glass full people or not.
But, if you have a growth mindset, every challenge or setback is an opportunity to grow.
To some, a growth mindset might look like this:
Imagine your toddler has entered the stage of development where he tries so hard to learn how to “do it himself” (like buckling himself into the carseat while you die inside wanting to do it for him). You wait patiently (while doing deep breathing to control your frustration) and then after 5 loooong minutes, he still is unsuccessful. You’re late. In fact, you were late 10 minutes ago. So you do it for him while he screams and goes into a fit of rage that equals that of a caged animal all while cooing, “You tried so hard! I’m so proud of you. Don’t cry. It’s fine. I know that your hard work will make it where you’ll be able to do that all by yourself one day!”
If you were able to maintain your cool in that situation and offer encouragement - then you’ve got a growth mindset! Congrats.
If that whole scenario made your blood pressure rise just reading it, well - you’re not alone. We’ve all been there.
I believe that a growth mindset can be powerful if implemented in the right way, but if you’re doing it while not exactly believing it yourself - sometimes it can feel a bit, I don’t know - gaslight-y?
I’ll give you another example - “Bless This Mess”
Have you ever seen those signs that say, “Bless this mess?” Maybe some moms feel that way, but for this stressed-out, overly anxious mama who cannot stand a messy house - that sign would make me feel like I was gaslighting myself into believing the mess that causes me so much anxiety, wasn’t a big deal. No, I can’t just stop stressing over a messy house and see it as a creative exploration zone. I’m just not born with that DNA thank you very much.
I’ve lived much of my life in black and white thinking, and I’m trying my damndest to move out of that into more acceptance of the gray areas of life.
Like maybe my kids are brilliant AND they would never survive if I was hospitalized for any significant length of time because they still have a lot of just basic life skills to master - like understanding that at some point if you take all the bowls and cups to your room and hoard them, you will eventually run out of bowls and cups and have to do dishes.
So, I’m telling you this because I don’t believe a growth mindset is bad all the time, or even most of the time for that matter. I think you can have a growth mindset and not gaslight yourself into always looking on the bright side and saying everything terrible that happens in life is an opportunity for growth.
There has to be a middle ground.
Reframing looks a lot like toxic positivity
Reframing is a BIG tool for fostering a growth mindset, but it can also look a lot like toxic positivity to me. Basically, to reframe something you take it and put a positive spin on it. Sound familiar?
I see this so often in the online parenting space. And usually, it’s moms encouraging other moms to reframe something.
It usually looks something like one online seasoned mom telling the younger one to enjoy it because it goes so fast! Or a working mom telling the stay-at-home mom that at least she gets more time with her kids than she does. Or the stay-at-home mom telling the working mom, well at least you can afford nice things.
One could argue that these moms giving (unsolicited and frankly insensitive) advice are just trying to help the other mom reframe it.
See it in a more positive light!
Enjoy what you have!
Count your freaking blessings!
Reframing is a tool to help foster a growth mindset and determinism, which is all well and good until you feel completely alone, like the only one suffering, and like a total and complete failure because you can’t see the positive in your own shitty situation.
If we’re not careful, reframing can turn into discounting real feelings and emotions that are valid.
Encouraging someone else to reframe can often make that person feel like they shouldn’t be feeling the way they are.
So what does any of this have to do with gaslighting ourselves and our kids?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation. Usually it’s where one person tries to make you doubt yourself, or question your own reality or perception of something. It might involve twisting around what happened, or telling someone that the way they remember something isn’t right.
So, isn’t reframing kind of the same thing? Can encouraging a growth mindset by actually make us think our reality isn’t real?
Because when I have a big parenting failure (like the time I forgot to pick my kid up from school one day), it’s really hard not to feel those emotions of sadness, and regret. I certainly don’t want someone to say to me, “It’s not big deal! You’re just fostering his independence by helping him learn how to get himself home from school!”
The good news is that we can have a growth mindset without all the gaslighty-ness but there’s an art to doing it.
Reframing (especially in parenting) can be a valuable tool for cultivating a positive mindset and fostering growth, but it's essential to approach it with two things: authenticity and self-awareness.
Here are some guidelines on how to use reframing in parenting without gaslighting yourself:
Acknowledge Emotions & Validate Them
If the toddler is throwing a rage fit in the back seat over not being able to buckle himself, it may not be a great time to say, You shouldn’t be upset! This is an opportunity to grow!
Instead, let the emotions run their course, and validate them. Then circle back on the lesson later.
The same thing applies to YOU as the parent when you experience the parenting fails. Feel the emotion and sit with it. You’re allowed to feel disappointed, or angry, or like life isn’t fair and your teenager’s angst and anger shouldn’t be directed at you so damn much.
Parenting is hard. We need to be allowed the time and space to FEEL it, ACKNOWLEDGE it, and VOICE it without being shamed.
We don’t have to reframe every bad thing that happens right away.
The same thing goes when a friend (or an online mom you follow) is venting - don’t rush her into reframing. By doing that, you’re actually invalidating her, and gaslighting her into believing that she isn’t really able to feel what she feels.
Practice Self-Compassion Like It’s Your Religion
Self-compassion is the reframing we all NEED. This looks like talking kindly to yourself. Reminding yourself that you’re trying your best. Point out to yourself the good things you are doing. Compassion means having concern.
I know we all have compassion for our kids when they’re having big feelings. We don’t want them to hurt. We often say we would give anything to take away their pain and feel it ourselves so that they don’t have to.
Do we have that same compassion for ourselves as we fumble our way through parenting? Do we put the same energy into being concerned about our own mental health and feelings?
Practicing having compassion toward ourselves like we would for our kids is the kind of reframing that we need to understand that we’re actually doing a pretty damn good job with the tools we’ve been given.
Live in reality, not in denial (or toxic positivity).
If we go back to the toddler carseat scenario, the reality is that the toddler has a right to be pissed. I mean think about it - he wants to do it himself. He’s physically not capable because maybe he hasn’t mastered the dexterity in those little fingers yet. That sounds frustrating as hell.
The same thing might be true for you in your parenting journey. We all struggle with some aspect of parenting. The trope we hear is often that “There is no such thing as a perfect parent” feels kind of silly at this point.
I don’t want to be a perfect parent. I just want to not be super bad at this.
And some days, I’m not great at parenting. I’m sure some days you aren’t either. But, the part where we can get out of the black-and-white thinking is to step into reality. We don’t have to live in a state of denial by telling ourselves that our shitty parenting means we are building resilience in our kids and that will be good for them.
Reality means we admit mistakes to them, and to ourselves, but also try not to beat ourselves up about them.
That toddler that can’t use his index finger how he wants has the right to be pissed and you deserve to be pissed that your teenager doesn’t respect you sometimes too.
But, when we move into the gray space we can tell ourselves (and our kids) things like “My teenager is being an asshole today, AND I know they still love me and need me.” or “I know you’re really mad that you can’t buckle yourself in to your carseat by yourself. That would make me mad too AND we’ll talk about that after you calm down and figure out how we can make it better once your big feelings are over.”
I think practicing these three steps of feeling our feelings, self-compassion, and living in reality, is where we step out of gaslighting ourselves (and our kids) and into a more authentic growth mindset.
I’d still argue that while I know in theory a growth mindset is a good thing, we have to be careful not to turn it into a weapon of manipulating ourselves out of what we’re feeling in the moment.
Parenting is a wild ride. Some days I don’t feel like growing all that much, and I want to give the term growth mindset the middle finger.
But, validating feelings, having compassion for ourselves, and living authentic lives is the best way to not only teach our kids to grow, but to grow ourselves in parenting.
Because to me, growth looks like admitting that this life and parenting these kids was not only the hardest, messiest, suckiest thing I ever did, but it was ALSO the most rewarding, beautiful, and happy thing I ever did, too.
Remember - It can be both.
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In theory, the idea of a growth mindset sounds great, right? But sometimes, it can feel a bit gaslight-y, don't you think? It's all about finding that balance. 🌟 Enchanting writing ✨